It’s Not Just You. Life Is Hard.

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” — Mother Teresa

Loneliness is as bad for people’s health as smoking 15 cigarettes daily.

This quote from Mother Teresa rings true for so many. Even when we’re with family and friends, for some reason, we tend to feel like something is missing.

These days, therapists are in high demand, often having to turn away new clients. With the usual seasonal depression in the works, and a sprinkle of pandemic on top, loneliness is at an all-time high.

It seems human beings need a sense of community after all. Imagine that! Try as we may, our fun-filled blue screen, headache-inducing gadgets do not satisfy our basic need for human connection. We still haven’t evolved out of being the social creatures that we naturally are. Maybe give it another 1,000 years and we’ll be able to sit isolated for days on end like hermit crabs. But until then… hello darkness, my old friend.

Loneliness used to be reserved for the elderly who felt lucky when they had pre-teens visit them once a year for community service hours. But it’s now considered a global epidemic across all generations, affecting Gen Z in shockingly worse ways. It’s almost as if our technological advances have solved the need for apps to remind us to drink water, yet haven’t figured out ways to make us feel like we matter.

Loneliness is such a debilitating health crisis that in 2018, the U.K. government appointed a “Minister of Loneliness” to tackle the problem. Last year, they even began to include loneliness into primary and secondary school education so kids can learn about the value of social relationships.

Learn the value of social relationships? Is that where we’re at as a species? We’re having to teach kids to be social? Yikes…

But the U.K. is taking the problem seriously, heavily investing in ways to combat the crisis.

“What about the U.S.?”

Do you even have to ask? Clearly, we’re not there yet. Give it another 1,000 years and we might figure out how important mental health is. Until then, we’ll continue to see the following statistics only increase in severity:

• 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year.
• 1 in 5 children, either currently or at some point during their life, have had a seriously debilitating mental illness.
• 1 in 25 Americans lives with a serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression

“Okay, Kira. We get it. Everyone is miserable. Thanks for stating the obvious.”

No, no. I’m not done yet. Allow me to really hit it home for you.

I want to be perfectly clear. Loneliness is not the same as being alone.

I’ve always enjoyed being alone, which has driven my mother insane since I was a child. I simply enjoy doing what I want, when I want to, without feeling obligated to be “on” for someone else. That’s not to say I don’t have friends or that I don’t go out and experience the world. Quite the opposite! I just find people to be particularly draining with their constant anxiety and fear of living.

People can be taxing and exhaust the shit out of me. In fact, this past summer, I thoroughly enjoyed going to concerts by myself for the first time. I didn’t feel the least bit out of place and bonus points for not having to worry if a friend was enjoying themselves.

You can have loads of friends and still feel quite lonesome.

The way we develop and keep friends has changed dramatically. (Thanks social media) But we haven’t quite figured it out yet, which is why we may feel uneasy about the lack of connection with others.

In the modern world of working 24/7, it’s hard to find time to keep friendships or a community alive. Relationships of any kind take a lot of work! And with humans feeling exhausted and burned out, trying to forge a tribe is the last thing on the priority list.

A dear follower and friend of my work reached out to me through Instagram last week with concerns about this very topic. He had watched this YouTube video and became worried about his own relationships.

This follower/friend of mine worried this might also happen to him and asked if it was true that as we get older, our friendship circle gets increasingly smaller.

This was my response to him:

“It can be true, yeah! But it’s more about quality than quantity. When you get older, you realize how important the quality part really is, which makes your tribe a lot smaller. You want deep close relationships with friends. And yes, you’ll have those surface level type of people you hang out with, but one or two friends is really plenty.”

We all need authentic connections with other human beings. Without it, depression and loneliness rear their ugly heads.

Though technology has connected us like never before, it’s also greatly hindered our fundamental NEED to have genuine connections with others.

This is part of the theory called “evolutionary mismatch”, whereby the biology of a species hasn’t evolved enough to handle its environment. We see this a lot in our everyday lives as humans.

Simply put, we’re ill-equipped to handle our environment.

“Great. What is a human to do?”

Adapt or die. We really don’t have any other choices. Yes, being a human in today’s world is extraordinarily hard. As it pertains to loneliness, we’re socially starved. And it’s affecting every area of our lives, especially in a pandemic.

Awareness is the key to all of this. I love the fact that this follower/friend reached out to me on this topic. It’s those types of deep conversations which FUEL us.

But he also caught me off guard when he asked me this:

“Do you consider us friends?”

I was a bit surprised when he asked me this as I realized at that moment that none of us are any different from the man in the video.

Our relationships have changed. Who we consider as our friends may be people we’ve never even met in person! And that’s okay. My followers/friends and I check in on each other, help one another out, and swap life stories. Does it matter that we didn’t grow up together? Clearly, it’s the obvious consequence of living our lives behind screens all day and being locked down because of pandemics. Naturally, we adapt!

I’ve always taken my responsibility as a public content creator very seriously. Words are powerful and persuasive. We each have the power to change a person’s life on any given day. I respond to every person who reaches out to me because of the fact that that’s a human being. And every human being deserves to be heard and feel like they matter in this world.

Content creators, such as myself, build an audience, yes. But more importantly, we connect our lives with theirs. I, too, have had deeper conversations with my followers than with friends I’ve known for years. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s only natural we adapt in order to find authentic connections with humans again.

“So yes,” I told him. “I do consider us friends, and I’m truly grateful for it.”

As we shift into Web 3.0, we will continue to adapt and find new ways to have meaningful relationships with one another. Find solace in the fact that you’re not the odd one out if you feel a bit lonely. The world feels like a lonely place because our environment has surpassed our evolution.

But you don’t have to sit there and wallow in it either. Loneliness breeds a negative bias towards making social connections. Be aware of this in your own thought patterns and stay open to finding companionship.

• Value connecting with humans again. You don’t have a choice in the matter. Sorry, we haven’t evolved enough to avoid all human contact.
• All the negative thoughts you may have about humans do not reflect reality. No, humanity is not going to shit. Be aware of the content you absorb into that brain of yours.
• Take a break from the phone and enjoy in-person interactions with other humans. (Yes yes, wear a mask. Get vaccinated. Do what feels best for you. Blah blah blah…) Start slowly by greeting people as you walk by or a friendly nod.
• Smile. No, really. Even smiling at yourself in the mirror (as silly as that sounds) reduces stress and feelings of loneliness. Try it!

“Kira, we have to talk.”

My mother quickly glanced at me through the rearview mirror as we hurriedly made our way to dance class in the city.

“What about?”, I said as I peered out the window, watching the snow fall, thinking about my favorite holiday that was only 2 weeks away.

I was 12 years old and still believed in Santa Claus.

I lived in a dream world as a child. Though admittedly, I might’ve been so naïve as a way to escape from the crazy which plagued my family life.

To say I had butterflies constantly fluttering around in my stomach as a child is an understatement. I had horrible stomach flare-ups, which doctors would shrug their shoulders and diagnose as inflammatory bowel disease aka “we have no idea”. There was a lot of drama in my family when I was young, as with most families, I imagine. But as the youngest and most pensive, quiet child, I watched and absorbed all of it. And my poor stomach bore the brunt.

I escaped reality by reading books, like my favorite “The Thief of Always” by Clive Barker and macabre Edgar Allan Poe stories. I’d often get lost in the pages of my mother’s Salvador Dali art books. But something I looked forward to most of all, the greatest escape from reality, was Christmas.

Our family would put aside all the drama and come together to celebrate the grandest of holidays. Aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins would come in droves to our home for Christmas. And suddenly, our drafty old house, which housed love but also lots of bitterness, gave off a glow and warmth which would carry us through into the new year.

My mother went all out for the holidays, but especially Christmas. Weeks before the holiday, my family of 5 would pile into the car and drive 2 hours to a Christmas tree farm in the mountains. With a rusty hand saw, we would walk for what seemed like miles through feet of snow to pick out the perfect Christmas tree. We’d end up with three 8’ magnificent trees, one for the entryway, dining room, and living room.

With my mother being an artist and interior designer, our holiday decorations were breathtakingly beautiful. And with both my parents as amazing cooks, they filled our Christmas feasts with every home-made cookie, bread, pastry, and days in the making vegan main courses one could only dream about.

But what truly made Christmas for me was Santa Claus. My mother loved making every detail as magical as possible. So much so that it completely swept me up in the world of Santa. Rudolf the Red-Nosed reindeer would track mud into the house and make a mess of my mother’s sewing kit. Santa would leave me long notes, which I read aloud on Christmas morning, next to the half eaten cookies and empty milk glass. My mother painstakingly created a fantasy world I believed wholeheartedly in, with Santa Claus as the main character.

But unbeknownst to me, on that fateful snowy drive to dance class, the world I knew for 12 years was about to come crashing down.

“Santa isn’t real”.

I whipped my head around, staring incredulously at her as she continued driving.

“Of course he is!”

And for the next 40 minutes, my mother and I debated the very existence of what magic was for me. Through the steady stream of tears, I cried out,

“Does this mean the Easter Bunny isn’t real?!”

I was utterly destroyed. I didn’t talk to my mother for months, which is a big deal for a 12-year-old who was close to her parents. Magic died for me that day. She tried to console me by saying St. Nicholas was a real person many years ago, who had delivered presents to children. This, admittedly, softened the blow a bit for me. But I still couldn’t get over the fact that the incredible joy I felt during the Christmas holiday was all a facade. It was all made up.

I remember asking my best friend at the time if she knew about this horrible fact of life.

“I’ve known for years, Kira, but didn’t have the heart to tell you.”

“Oh, well great,” I thought to myself. “I’m literally the last person to know that Santa isn’t real. Not only am I mortified by my inability to catch onto reality, but my own parents have lied to me for 12 years!”

It was nothing short of traumatizing. And at that moment, I stepped into the real world and hated it.

After that year, Christmas had a new meaning for me, which, sadly, was a far cry from what it once was. I enjoy the holidays; I suppose. But I have yet to experience the magic I felt in my bones, like I did when I was a child.

But do not cry for me, my dear reader! For I find magic in life every day now! I realized the warmth I felt as a child can happen on any day of the calendar year. I can create that feeling every single day of my life if I choose to do so.

And I do.

I see the beauty in everything around me. From the leaves that rustle in the wind to the cheerful hello from my wagging tailed pets, the world IS magic. And once you see this, you can’t unsee it. You love it so much your heart hurts, knowing you’ll leave this earth one day.

Santa Claus may not be real, but his magic is. And it’s all around us if we choose to open our eyes and experience it.

Did You Know?

Our modern-day lifestyles are making us depressed.

The theory, “evolutionary mismatch,” states the clash between culture and biology causes a significant strain on a species. Biological evolution is incredibly slow, and our bodies and brains haven’t evolved much in thousands of years. However, in just the last 200 years, our lifestyles have dramatically changed.

• Human bodies were designed to be active, and yet we sit most of day, resulting in weak muscles/joints.
• Humans have become so ‘connected’ with technology that we’ve become disconnected from nature, which is a fundamental part of who we are as a species. Without connection to the natural world, our psychological well-being has greatly diminished.
• Close to 50% of adults in the U.S. are vitamin D deficient.We’re not getting nearly enough sun in order to survive as a species. According to many medical studies conducted, “Vitamin D3 deficiency can result in obesity, diabetes, hypertension, depression, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, osteoporosis and neuro-degenerative diseases, including Alzheimer’s disease. Vitamin D deficiency may even contribute to the development of cancers, especially breast, prostate, and colon cancers.”
• Humans are biologically social creatures, designed to be part of tribes, which play a key role in our survival. A sense of belonging is crucial for our mental well-being. Loneliness and depression stem from a lack of community.

You may feel as though you’re without purpose or disconnected, and life is a mess. But it’s most likely just your body and brain sounding the alarm, starving for something it needs to work properly.

Think of it this way:

• When you’re hungry, you feel the pains in your stomach, maybe a little light-headed and cranky. And when you eat, your body feels good and returns to normal. If you’re not giving the human body what it needs to survive, it will react in unpleasant ways, especially psychologically.

Tips on how to lead a happier, healthier life may seem dull or overly simplified to which you roll your eyes at. But it’s all sound advice designed around how humans are built biologically. It just so happens we’ve created a culture which does not mesh well with our design as a species. You’re not alone in feeling a little lost and overwhelmed. We, as humans, haven’t evolved fast enough to handle modern society. And it’s incredibly frustrating for all of us.

These basic tips on how to improve your life are actually the very things we need in order to survive as the living, breathing organisms we are. You can roll your eyes at their simplicity. Or you can realize that you, as a species, have basic needs which must be met.

1. You’re not alone. We’re ALL trying to handle living in a modern society which does not match up with our design as a species. Avoid being so hard on yourself. Know that you’re not a robot, but a human with needs.
2. Go outside! Recent studies have shown the enormous impact nature has in reducing feelings of loneliness.
3. Get moving! Your body wasn’t designed for a sedentary life. Take 30 minutes a day to stretch your body. It gets the blood-flowing, releases feel-good hormones, and allows your body to realign itself.

Just because our culture is moving at warp speed, doesn’t mean we’re evolved enough to handle it. And if there’s one thing we have zero control over, it’s how long it takes for our species to evolve.

• Your body and brain are handling way more than what they’re biologically capable of at this point. If it seems like life is overwhelming, that’s because it is.
• Your external world is only going to increase in complexity. Your job is to create a lifestyle that satisfies your needs as a human being. Be your own best friend! Create a life in which your body and brain can THRIVE.

Calm down. Be kind to yourself. I promise, you’re doing great.